Do You Know What To Say?
October 18, 2008 by BloggerNewbie
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“Do You Know What To Say?”
Do you know what to say? More importantly, do you know what NOT to say? I know that in difficult situations, people are nervous and say the first inappropriate thing that comes to their minds, but I’m here to suggest a few rehearsed lines that will work in a variety of situations.
Please, please don’t ever say –
“I know how you feel” because you don’t. It is as simple as that – you just don’t. What are people thinking when they say “I know how you feel”. I just tell myself that they are nervous and don’t know what else to say. You can’t possibly know how someone feels about any situation, I don’t care if you have had a similar scenario, you don’t know how someone feels!
Let me use a personal example. My sister passed away suddenly. It was a little over 4 years ago. 4 years and 93 days ago to be exact. She was 47 years young. She had heart disease – a dreaded family disease. Yeah, she had several heart attacks before this last one. Yeah, she had triple bypass. And, YES it was sudden and unexpected. You know, if your sister passed away, I’m sorry. But you still don’t know how I feel. I have 2 other sisters and it wouldn’t even be the same with either of them. Please don’t say “I know how you feel”.
Another unexplained comment -
“Everything happens for a reason!” If this can possibly be true, I’d like some reasons. What would be the reason my grandson was diagnosed with cancer at 10 months old? Do you have an answer or “reason” why that happened? I don’t think so! There is no reason. He’s just a baby. The hospital that we were transferred to from our hometown hospital tried to send us home with an apology that there was nothing they could do. Not acceptable. We insisted on going to a children’s hospital that specialized in cancer. We were immediately transferred to Children’s Hospital Boston. What a God send. I can’t say that enough. They saved our baby. They didn’t give us a whole lot of hope at the beginning, but they did it – they saved our baby.
He is now 20 months old and healthy and happy. His last chemo treatment was in March and it is now October. He has already had a hair cut! He is so cute and not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for letting us keep our little baby. Okay, so I guess we settled that one – there isn’t a reason for everything!
So the original 
question is “do you know what to say?” How about trying – I’m sorry or I can’t even imagine how you feel.
Do you have any better responses? Do you have any situations where you were astounded by what some people actually said? Share your thoughts and ideas. We would all like to hear them.
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So SO true. My sister is a coroners investigator, and trains many of their newbies. She tells them (most to no avail), to stay away from the religious connotations, and the “I no how you feel”. You would be surprised how many completely ignore her training.
Great Post.
I’m sorry about your sister, and happy for your grandson.
Eric S.’s last blog post..That First Terrifying Night
I learned a long time ago to just say I’m sorry. There just really isn’t anything else. That way you don’t feel totally stupid and lost for words and your friend isn’t offended! Simple!
I don’t always succeedI, but I try living by the principle ‘Is what I’m about to say an improvement on silence?’. I find compassionate silence is often the best thing I can give.
Ian Peatey’s last blog post..Working downstream
Saying nothing is definitely better than saying something someone will regret! There’s no easy answer I guess, sometimes it’s hurtful when you don’t say a thing. Sometimes you cant win!