I’m a People Pleaser!
September 28, 2008 by BloggerNewbie
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I’m a People Pleaser! Yes, I’m guilty.
If you are a people pleaser you put your needs aside for others. If you are a people pleaser you have to “do it all”. If you are a 
people pleaser you are responsible for everything; other people’s needs are more important than your own. In fact your needs aren’t important at all. You need to learn and realize – you can’t please everyone and you are important. If you’re a people pleaser, you can’t say no without feeling guilty. Yes or No? It can’t be both.
You Can’t Please Everyone
People pleasers tend to take responsibilities that aren’t theirs. “I’ll do that”, “Let me take care of that for you”. People pleasers can’t say no without feeling guilty. They don’t even give themselves a chance to say no because they are constantly taking on someone else’s burden without even being asked! They don’t know how to stop being people pleasers. They don’t know how to stop talking! For your own self worth you need to stop being a people pleaser.
You Have to Know How to Start
People pleasers have expectations to fulfill a need or a request before they are even asked. They feel compelled to “do everything” for others. Or, people pleasers simply step in and take charge. First, walk away, resist your inner pressure to take over – bite your tongue! If you are asked, and I’m sure you are frequently, instead of being wonderwoman or superman and doing it all, it would be healthier for for you to say no. You don’t have to feel guilty when you say no. Everything isn’t and can’t possibly be your responsibility. Don’t you have enough of your own? Just say NO!
Find Your Motivation
What’s keeping you from saying no without feeling guilty? It may help to step back and look at your life objectively. Examine your “responsibilities”. Do you have more than your share? Do you have some that don’t even belong to you?
I have a few “tasks” that I gave to myself. For instance, I get up every morning at 4:00 am with my husband, have coffee with him and pack his lunch. He has never asked me to do this; it’s a choice I’ve made since the beginning of our relationship. I actually like doing it because sometimes it’s about the only quality time we have together. It helps him, he likes it and appreciates it without expecting it. After he leaves I write for a while, do a little housework or other activities I need to complete before I get ready for work – so I get a lot of things accomplished in the morning. I do it because I want to, which makes me feel I’m in control. I don’t struggle with saying no without guilt in this area.
However, plowing for example is a chore I can say no to without even thinking about it. My husband doesn’t ask me to help and I don’t feel compelled to volunteer! All that cold white stuff we get here in the winter is pretty to look at from inside my house. I don’t have a problem saying no to plowing.
If I let myself be responsible for more chores then I can handle I’ll feel angry, frustrated, and suffocated, not to mention bitter and resentful. Learning how to stop being a people pleaser involves insight into your own emotions. You really do need to know how to say no for your own well-being. Try it, nothing bad will happen and you’ll feel better.
Set Healthy Boundaries
You need to figure out where healthy boundaries begin and end. Knowing how to say no without guilt is a familiar problem for women. Are you allowing people to trample your boundaries? Saying no without feeling guilty is an immense step to stop being a people pleaser. You have choices; make them count to your advantage.
The trick is how much you are “letting yourself” be responsible for. You really are in control. If you are completing tasks out of love or compassion (getting up at 4:00 am to pack my husband’s lunch), then your boundaries aren’t invaded – 
and you shouldn’t have feelings of anger, frustration or resentment. If you do, then some part of that activity isn’t right for you. Step back and check your motivation. Instead of getting frustrated, practice saying no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need lots of practice! You really do. To others who have no problem saying no, they can’t even begin to comprehend the turmoil of the simple act of saying no. Just like everything else – practice makes perfect.
Get In Touch With Yourself
Get and stay in touch with your “I feel like I’m being taken advantage of” feelings. If you feel bitter and resentful when you agree to take on extra work at home or work, then you need to be honest with the people involved. It’s your responsibility to protect your healthy boundaries; not anyone else’s. A majority of requests come from people who have no idea you are overstretched or that you can’t say no. Remember, if other people have no trouble saying no, they think everyone will say no if they can’t or don’t want to participate. If you feel compelled to help or contribute, find another way to accomplish the task. Give the responsibility back to its rightful owner, delegate it to another or even find some help complying with a request. The more people working makes the task lighter.
Change Takes Courage
Saying no without feeling guilty can be difficult, especially when it involves people you love or work with. But if saying yes makes you resentful or bitter, you need to learn how to say no. You don’t have to explain why or offer excuses. 
A simple “I can’t help you with that,” will do. Your guilt will be short lived, especially because you are probably buried in your own responsibility. People pleasers need to stand up for themselves. You need to be strong and that takes courage.
You must make conscious choices, examine how you will feel if you take on MORE responsibility, what about you?
Have the courage say no without feeling guilty. I know it can be difficult, but it’s better than feeling resentful about how you spend your time and energy! Your relationships will be better in the long run — and so will your mental health — if you learn how to stop being a people pleaser.
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I could easily give this article another title – Protect Your Right To Choose.
It’s your life. You’ve only got so much time. So why not spend that life and that time doing things that you sincerely choose to do and which contributes to your own feeling of relevance and self worth.
We actually live in a world where everybody else seems to be putting subtle pressures on everybody else to do what everybody else wants and be what everybody else wants.
So I agree that it takes a lot of courage to not be a people pleaser. I personally made that choice when I was merely 19 and decided to live my own life and be my own man and do things because I choose to them, personally believe they are worth doing and derive a sense of fulfillment from doing them.
Thanks a lot for this post.
I totally agree. And I am here to tell you, most people do not like your “right to choose” unless of course you choose exactly what they want. They don’t like change. When you start to take a stand and actually speak for yourself, then you are selfish.